Friday, May 21, 2010

calibration for accurate measurement

In the last two weeks since Michele and I broke it off, I've experienced a lot of feelings and many uncertainties. Here are the things I am certain about:

  • I need to be concerned every day with re-calibrating myself with my actual greater purpose rather than the narrow short-sided view of it I have by default.
  • I have a certain list of tasks that I am responsible for and I need to get those tasks gracefully put to bed before I take any more tasks on.

For some reason this same question keeps coming up randomly in conversation; I don't know how... maybe I keep going there. What would I do if Sarah ever showed up on my doorstep needing something? It's probably one of my most confident answers to anything anymore... she would have whatever she or the kids needed...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

status update

I'm not convinced that I'm supposed to be in a relationship, a marriage, or any sort of normal, typical existence for the rest of this life

I'm not convinced I'm supposed to be right here right now

and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I know for sure.

So absurd...

Monday, May 17, 2010


empty box

I pushed through and reached a milestone tonight. I've finished the physical portion of a project to sort and file years of neglected personal and business paperwork and records, a project I started in earnest about three years ago.

Tonight I am effectively paperless. I have less weight to carry with me. Tonight I can choose to be more responsible going forward, or to not... but at least I have the choice now.

I am thankful that God has been helping me reduce my load for the last couple of years. I'm thankful for the circumstances He allowed me to be placed in the last couple weeks, tough or not, since through those circumstances I was provided a clearer means to get this done.

I'm thankful for some personal sanity, a few good friends and for the opportunity to repair old and lost friendships. I'm thankful for the support my family has given me over time.

I'm thankful to you, the reader of this blog, for continuing to read...

One step closer to a [ freer colin ]...
I just found the notes for a sermon I delivered probably eight years ago. I skimmed them, very briefly, careful not to read too many words before burying them in the shred bin.

I think what scares me the most about them, and my past, is the unbridled naivety. Sort of like my life right now...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

well goodbye then

Michele abruptly broke it off Saturday, leaving me more than a little confused about a lot of things. At 10 weeks, it was her longest-standing real relationship, and by quite a shot my shortest.

No one entry will provide all closure... so this will have to do for now.