hello from the captain

It's 2011 now, and my life is no longer an ever-capsizing ship.

Every once in a while I notice a leak. Sometimes all I have to do is go to sleep and then wake up to realize that there was never a leak in the first place; I was just seeing one in that moment. But even if there still is water coming on board, I make a plan and then I patch it up.

I don't need to redesign the ship now. It floats.

Sometimes I have to take a breath to realize just how unbelievably good things are, how fortunate and lucky I am, and how amazing it is that I'm actually living the life I only dreamed about four short years ago.

And then, sometimes I have to be reminded. :-)

Now then... what to do with this floating ship?

I'm rewording my last post (which has now been deleted).

The winds of change, which I have discovered along this trip, beckon me to cut the crap and behave like a more normal human being. It might be good to see some sensibility in my life and in my actions before I die.

on selling

You'll find a new customer
when they see something in your world that theirs in comparison lacks

right

Look babe, if you want to be right about something, sure, be right about whatever you want. Just don't complain to me when, at the end of the day, you still find yourself deeply alone.

philosophy

You know, I try not to apologize too much for myself anymore. I say and do stupid things all the time, and I wish I hadn't right after I have, but honestly, the proof is in my behavior... me. Maybe I should just wake up tomorrow and make my best attempt to be better?

On Saturday I saw "The Last Samurai". It was a good reminder of certain important things. I want to live my life with honor.

And with that, night falls quickly, unapologetically, and the day ends without another word. A light snow turns into solid rain, pelting the ground with a discipline, as if to warn me against trying to venture outside to take another shot at turning a theory, a lead, into something warm; it would be fruitless. I'm returned instead to the gigantic, dark silhouette of this city, dotted by fragments of light, which have become so familiar that it takes many moments to be reminded that there is a reason for each and every one of them. So my mind is like the picture of this city outside my windows.

There are two questions remaining to be answered—or, that perhaps I know the answers to already but am too afraid to admit.
The first is wether or not my mind will escape the cycle of day or night.
The second is, if it does not, wether or not the daylight's passing will ever become easier to brave.

The first, who clung half-heartedly to something that had breath but was dead anyway, reminded me that companionship is a hard thing to consider being without.
The second, whose eyes welled up at a time not of her choosing, reminded me that some things about love are a lot simpler than they appear on the surface, and especially when a love had simply run its course.

These things which we are never to be able to fully understand, about which we behave so strangely for most of our days......

eval

Reading back through my blog, I find myself saying "Oh, what do you know?!"

Now what to do with it...

adulthood

Her presence moves me to strive for utter perfection.
Her expressions beckon me to unscramble this most noble puzzle,
The one that at the center of lies her true heart—

I've been thinking lately "I guess I am a man now"
But when she smiles at me
God says something about what it would take
To actually be a man

horseman

It occurred to me over dinner, with who seemed at first to me an unlikely character, as he told me about a warrior horseman that revealed himself upon a request in prayer— first in the sounds of the horse running up, and then in stature—

The warrior brought with him a palpable presence, described to me as unlike anything ever felt before, a divine moment... and after this moment a new path was revealed, and then it was taken...

"I mean, I don't know, what's your take on all of this?" he asked me, while he pointed all around the room, at life.

I put down my fork and thought for a moment.

"God is so big, I can't believe I could ever have Him boxed in."

All that I know of the truth is given to me through Him for that moment alone, and the next moment, I am completely back at His whim. I believe this is why we are required to be in constant seeking

create, part 2

No, no, I don't need to "become" an artist. I just need to be diligent with what I've been given. But don't we all?

But even before that happens I have to finish straightening my own path to some God-mandated degree before I continue moving forward; otherwise I'll be wasting more time.

And it's not for the attention of other people. In fact I'm shamed I let myself get so off-track and so confused. Any act, any product, should only be to exemplify the true and pure nature of God. It needs to be completely selfless, and it'll be worthless until it gets there.

create

The people getting the attention, deservedly, have something to show for it. They have a tangible product of their efforts. I do not, and if I want to move forward, that has to change.

Wether it's a truly great website, an interactive piece, film, album, or book, it doesn't really matter to me. I have enough to express now; I just need be diligent and do it.

I have to become an artist.

Part of this living out 100% concept (which I need to coin a new term for) is that when, through observation, you recognize you could be doing something better, you figure out a way to do it better, rather than getting down about the fact that you aren't already doing it better.

I should be very happy when I discover I'm not doing something as well as I could be, simply because I've discovered it... That is a new opportunity for me to improve as a human being.

There's no way for us to change the past, but there is something we can do to affect our future.

fanaticism realized

Since Tuesday I have begun to build a much deeper appreciation for giving that 100% in every task I take on, in every aspect of life. Life has been more rich than I can ever recall, and yet it's only the beginning.

Earlier today I was scribbling around in my portfolio, and I wrote
KEEP BREATHING   YOU ARE SO CLOSE

What lies hold us back from what God wants for us?

I had the song "Woman in Chains" stuck in my head much of the afternoon and so I decided to do a little homework on its underlying meaning. I found this interview that reveals, if nothing else, how deeply Roland Orzabal was thinking and exploring when he wrote these songs, which in turn helps me understand perhaps why I'm so fascinated by them.



The album took years and millions of dollars to create. As the old adage goes, you get what you pay for.

fanaticism

I didn't really know what to do with all the weight I felt after I watched the iPhone 4 keynote.

At least, I myself could not sit and be unaffected emotionally by this work of art, this tool that possesses so much raw power to enrich lives and bridge gaps between human beings. Having even the slightest idea of what kind of depths these guys has to dig down inside of themselves to do what they did, to be completely fanatically good and thorough because they could, because they wanted to, or because they even felt like they needed to... made it even more difficult for me to consume. The iPhone 4 is a bewildering product of unbridled passion, a product of the same raw heart and raw potential that serves as the fundamental reason of God-devised humanity. It terrified me.

I had to stop for a moment and take a walk. I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed for the park.

Something inside of me was down as I walked among these beautiful trees in perfect weather. I watched the college students roam to and fro, bags in hand, simply enjoying the absence of rain and the light breeze; hopefully not contemplating too deeply what was the meaning of life or of passion, but simply enjoying the present time for what it was.

I started to feel sick and realized I needed to eat some food, so I planted myself in the corner of a burrito place next to the window.

About halfway into my meal, this beautiful girl appeared outside, and as she walked by we took brief notice of each other for a moment. I wondered to myself what she saw. It seemed fairly obvious to me; a young man who eating a burrito in a corner of a restaurant alone. A young man who seemingly wasn't living life as passionately as he could have been. And less than 100% is, quite simply, less than 100%. In this condition, how could I ever hope to attract a normal and beautiful girl?

Something inside me whispered a bit of truth. It was completely and utterly up to me wether or not I used every amount of potential I was given; wether or not I was in fact going to be the bewildering product of unbridled passion that God designed me to be.

Every moment of every day, it is, a decision.

spare time

Life is strange. Things are changing all the time, but then sort of not at all. A life changes completely and then changes right back to where it started. Everything is new but also completely cyclical.

And here I am sitting at the end of something and the beginning of something else, having achieved most if not all of everything that I wanted to achieve when I was younger (dismissing what I haven't "achieved" through realization of its lack of place or necessity in my life), and I'm not sure so much anymore what I want or need.

I feel very blessed; this is a good place to be.

But with this blessing comes enormous responsibility. I've been granted time. What do I choose to do with it?

calibration for accurate measurement

In the last two weeks since Michele and I broke it off, I've experienced a lot of feelings and many uncertainties. Here are the things I am certain about:

• I need to be concerned every day with re-calibrating myself with my actual greater purpose rather than the narrow short-sided view of it I have by default.
• I have a certain list of tasks that I am responsible for and I need to get those tasks gracefully put to bed before I take any more tasks on.

For some reason this same question keeps coming up randomly in conversation; I don't know how... maybe I keep going there. What would I do if Sarah ever showed up on my doorstep needing something? It's probably one of my most confident answers to anything anymore... she would have whatever she or the kids needed...

status update

I'm not convinced that I'm supposed to be in a relationship, a marriage, or any sort of normal, typical existence for the rest of this life

I'm not convinced I'm supposed to be right here right now

and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I know for sure.

So absurd...

paperless

I pushed through and reached a milestone tonight. I've finished the physical portion of a project to sort and file years of neglected personal and business paperwork and records, a project I started in earnest about three years ago.

Tonight I am effectively paperless. I have less weight to carry with me. Tonight I can choose to be more responsible going forward, or to not... but at least I have the choice now.

I am thankful that God has been helping me reduce my load for the last couple of years. I'm thankful for the circumstances He allowed me to be placed in the last couple weeks, tough or not, since through those circumstances I was provided a clearer means to get this done.

I'm thankful for some personal sanity, a few good friends and for the opportunity to repair old and lost friendships. I'm thankful for the support my family has given me over time.

I'm thankful to you, the reader of this blog, for continuing to read...

One step closer to a [ freer colin ]...

I just found the notes for a sermon I delivered probably eight years ago. I skimmed them, very briefly, careful not to read too many words before burying them in the shred bin.

I think what scares me the most about them, and my past, is the unbridled naivety. Sort of like my life right now...