spare time

Life is strange. Things are changing all the time, but then sort of not at all. A life changes completely and then changes right back to where it started. Everything is new but also completely cyclical.

And here I am sitting at the end of something and the beginning of something else, having achieved most if not all of everything that I wanted to achieve when I was younger (dismissing what I haven't "achieved" through realization of its lack of place or necessity in my life), and I'm not sure so much anymore what I want or need.

I feel very blessed; this is a good place to be.

But with this blessing comes enormous responsibility. I've been granted time. What do I choose to do with it?

calibration for accurate measurement

In the last two weeks since Michele and I broke it off, I've experienced a lot of feelings and many uncertainties. Here are the things I am certain about:

• I need to be concerned every day with re-calibrating myself with my actual greater purpose rather than the narrow short-sided view of it I have by default.
• I have a certain list of tasks that I am responsible for and I need to get those tasks gracefully put to bed before I take any more tasks on.

For some reason this same question keeps coming up randomly in conversation; I don't know how... maybe I keep going there. What would I do if Sarah ever showed up on my doorstep needing something? It's probably one of my most confident answers to anything anymore... she would have whatever she or the kids needed...

status update

I'm not convinced that I'm supposed to be in a relationship, a marriage, or any sort of normal, typical existence for the rest of this life

I'm not convinced I'm supposed to be right here right now

and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I know for sure.

So absurd...

paperless

I pushed through and reached a milestone tonight. I've finished the physical portion of a project to sort and file years of neglected personal and business paperwork and records, a project I started in earnest about three years ago.

Tonight I am effectively paperless. I have less weight to carry with me. Tonight I can choose to be more responsible going forward, or to not... but at least I have the choice now.

I am thankful that God has been helping me reduce my load for the last couple of years. I'm thankful for the circumstances He allowed me to be placed in the last couple weeks, tough or not, since through those circumstances I was provided a clearer means to get this done.

I'm thankful for some personal sanity, a few good friends and for the opportunity to repair old and lost friendships. I'm thankful for the support my family has given me over time.

I'm thankful to you, the reader of this blog, for continuing to read...

One step closer to a [ freer colin ]...

I just found the notes for a sermon I delivered probably eight years ago. I skimmed them, very briefly, careful not to read too many words before burying them in the shred bin.

I think what scares me the most about them, and my past, is the unbridled naivety. Sort of like my life right now...

well goodbye then

Michele abruptly broke it off Saturday, leaving me more than a little confused about a lot of things. At 10 weeks, it was her longest-standing real relationship, and by quite a shot my shortest.

No one entry will provide all closure... so this will have to do for now.

exacting

For debate. Unless the possibility of waste or failure is a reasonable deliberate outcome, first the steps to success must be well understood, and the foundation must be set into place. Only when the freedom is granted/earned to explore should such exploration occur. Otherwise it is noise that is emanated whilst barreling down the road of the unknown.

Also, how can we expect to be of any use to others if our own path is not straight?

exacting

1. tryingly or unremittingly severe in making demands
2. requiring careful attention and precision

I'd like to think of it as deliberate action rooted in confidence. Confidence of the sort that is not invented but attained.

I am not supposed to know the outcome of my life, nor could I if I wanted to... but if I am attentive to what I have now, and seek as deeply as I can to use it all thoroughly and carefully... what more then could I do?