On Saturday I saw "The Last Samurai". It was a good reminder of certain important things. I want to live my life with honor.

And with that, night falls quickly, unapologetically, and the day ends without another word. A light snow turns into solid rain, pelting the ground with a discipline, as if to warn me against trying to venture outside to take another shot at turning a theory, a lead, into something warm; it would be fruitless. I'm returned instead to the gigantic, dark silhouette of this city, dotted by fragments of light, which have become so familiar that it takes many moments to be reminded that there is a reason for each and every one of them. So my mind is like the picture of this city outside my windows.

There are two questions remaining to be answered—or, that perhaps I know the answers to already but am too afraid to admit.
The first is wether or not my mind will escape the cycle of day or night.
The second is, if it does not, wether or not the daylight's passing will ever become easier to brave.

The first, who clung half-heartedly to something that had breath but was dead anyway, reminded me that companionship is a hard thing to consider being without.
The second, whose eyes welled up at a time not of her choosing, reminded me that some things about love are a lot simpler than they appear on the surface, and especially when a love had simply run its course.

These things which we are never to be able to fully understand, about which we behave so strangely for most of our days......

blah---g

Adorable little semi-non-Caucasian emo-ey girl at Maya's, alone, staring out the window taking the last sips of a Corona (in fact, she did the tipping motion to finish the bottle twice). She sits there in the same state for like 20 minutes, and her mind's just spinning, spinning, thinking about something. Well CLEARLY she's wondering why that reasonable looking gentlemen in the double-breasted overcoat won't just stop doing the creep-glance already and come talk to her (aforementioned gentlemen is ME [[DUH]])

So I definitely did. not. do anything.
I sat there and pecked on my iPhone, trying to work, simultaneously trying to figure out how to work on her, yeeeeeee—
Then after nothing happened, we both retreated to the same Starbucks afterward, super by accident... and I looked like a mad creeper so I bought my coffee and I biz-ailled

Emo girls alone in Mexican restaurants are hella hard targets. Most especially considering my weakness; one, for Mexican food, which makes for stink-breath, and stink-else, and then yeah,
yes I DO have one for these types, all wallowing around town with tall socks and skinny black coats and chucks and in their melancholy states and pouty faces and making up adorable songs on their Hello Kitty guitars. That is FOR ME.

Seriously guys, I'm enjineered to sit there on the couch at their mom's place with my arms wrapped around their frail bodies and do semi-spaced-cuddle-therapy on with them while neither of us say a word, and then when she's not so cloud maybe I'll download another episode of Arrested Development off Hulu — I don't know, I honestly still think Avril Lavigne is hot

I think I like these girls because they are smart, but not necessarily productive, and... they do not look like me. I definitely like the thought of getting back to being in a suit, arm-in-arm with some little punked-out tattoo'ed girl who's sort of giving the world The Finger without giving it at all (mom is. cringing. sorry mom.)

eval

Reading back through my blog, I find myself saying "Oh, what do you know?!"

Now what to do with it...

adulthood

Her presence moves me to strive for utter perfection.
Her expressions beckon me to unscramble this most noble puzzle,
The one that at the center of lies her true heart—

I've been thinking lately "I guess I am a man now"
But when she smiles at me
God says something about what it would take
To actually be a man

horseman

It occurred to me over dinner, with who seemed at first to me an unlikely character, as he told me about a warrior horseman that revealed himself upon a request in prayer— first in the sounds of the horse running up, and then in stature—

The warrior brought with him a palpable presence, described to me as unlike anything ever felt before, a divine moment... and after this moment a new path was revealed, and then it was taken...

"I mean, I don't know, what's your take on all of this?" he asked me, while he pointed all around the room, at life.

I put down my fork and thought for a moment.

"God is so big, I can't believe I could ever have Him boxed in."

All that I know of the truth is given to me through Him for that moment alone, and the next moment, I am completely back at His whim. I believe this is why we are required to be in constant seeking

create, part 2

No, no, I don't need to "become" an artist. I just need to be diligent with what I've been given. But don't we all?

But even before that happens I have to finish straightening my own path to some God-mandated degree before I continue moving forward; otherwise I'll be wasting more time.

And it's not for the attention of other people. In fact I'm shamed I let myself get so off-track and so confused. Any act, any product, should only be to exemplify the true and pure nature of God. It needs to be completely selfless, and it'll be worthless until it gets there.