exacting

For debate. Unless the possibility of waste or failure is a reasonable deliberate outcome, first the steps to success must be well understood, and the foundation must be set into place. Only when the freedom is granted/earned to explore should such exploration occur. Otherwise it is noise that is emanated whilst barreling down the road of the unknown.

Also, how can we expect to be of any use to others if our own path is not straight?

exacting

1. tryingly or unremittingly severe in making demands
2. requiring careful attention and precision

I'd like to think of it as deliberate action rooted in confidence. Confidence of the sort that is not invented but attained.

I am not supposed to know the outcome of my life, nor could I if I wanted to... but if I am attentive to what I have now, and seek as deeply as I can to use it all thoroughly and carefully... what more then could I do?

Still not the time to press forward; holding back, holding back...

Happy Saturday night

myself

She asked how I was, and I started talking. Fairly fearlessly, as I usually do; I've got standby material, an armor suit of carefully-considered answers, an outer plating hardened by sparks from years of Black-smithing situations when the shape didn't suit me well enough. It's always fine.

None of that helped in this moment. Her eyes came to me, and then pierced, effortlessly.

I started feeling this very reminiscent sting. It was a yellow warning sign, a red flag half-hidden in the brush, a kind but concerned whisper from the heart of a best friend... a dead body in the closet. But I ignored it and I kept babbling; I guess I subconsciously figured that if I kept on with my normal routine, I would suddenly somehow have come full circle to have explained myself completely, and then she would be satisfied.

Upon looking down I noticed blood. She, too, probably noticed, but didn't say much.

If she was disappointed, I couldn't have blamed her. After all, I'd blown out my subtext marketing budget hanging posters of my face photoshopped on a 2010 model of the Titanic.

There is still time for both of us in our own rights, but if I want to be of some actual use, if I want to be actually unique, I first have to endure a blunt re-introduction to the enemy I hate the most: myself.

"I am such bullshit."

Ahhhhh, there we go. Reconciliation. Zero-deficit.

Are these the newest, hippest trends, or the oldest and most forgotten keys to breathing freely?

go find your Creator

I've been stuck on this kick in my head about how if you're "following the will of the Lord", then every other consideration is auxiliary or irrelevant. I feel like people—myself included—often get hung up on details when that isn't necessary. We won't always understand everything about our direction but we can move with confidence once we've been given the green light... only if we have the deeply-rooted confidence that comes from enough prayer and careful consideration. To me it is pretty clear: if you're not getting the answer, pray more. Seek God until He opens the door, and don't move until then.

What a difference following that simple rule has made in my life over the last 18 months. And what a disaster it was when I didn't know these things.

Another way to think about this concept is that in any given situation you're always following something, and that something always falls into one of two categories: God or not-God.

The one not being with Me is against Me, and the one not gathering with Me is scattering!

--Matthew 13:30

If you need something even less abstract, take a look at the people around you, and consider your own future, then look at your direction in all aspects of life and the decisions you make. Are they benefiting you in the here-and-now, or are they changing the future of you and your fellow human beings for the better? That is at least a step towards a better life.

But in the end, there is still this problem, that we can't understand everything that happens in the mind of man or on this Earth; we are left with either best-guessing or God-truth to rely upon. Guessing (and its frequent failure) does not appeal to me.

Is life really that black-and-white? Take it from someone who blindly stumbled around in the grey of uncertainty for some 24 years: When you want to see the difference in the colors, when you want to be able to sort truth from lies and reality from fiction, throw away your religion, your attempts to explain how we got here and why, in all of its Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, atheistic and other forms, and go find your Creator.

unresolved deficits

Outside of the here-and-now, day-to-day, there are two types of activities I waste my time on. There is the resolution of deficits, which for me means paying back loans, cleaning my house, fixing all of my broken things, finishing paperwork, taking proper care of health issues, etc. And then there are the extra-curricular activities... those activities that make me "better", but that I don't need to be doing, or getting any better at, for my livelihood.

While extra-curricular is great—essential even—I'm finding that such activities are best left for a time when I am at the liberty of being truly debt-free: a zero-item to-do list.

I'm continually amazed at how much planning and analysis makes a difference in everything! If I sit down and update my list of what needs to be resolved, I will know how much I have to do and how to get there, yet again.

I might not be able to have it right now, but if I get this fixed now, when I do have it, it will be so much better.

Side-note: Any given person, thing, or environment has its limitations. However, the recognition of a limitation is also the recognition of an opportunity for improvement, if you allow yourself to see it that way.

making progress

It's quite simple, really—

1. Stop the excuses
2. Find a way to make it happen

I don't get why so many people do not understand this.