I remember a night of stars on the way home, the last time, from Chelsea's house. I was driving west over 63rd just after midnight when I looked to the south over the hills and spotted evidence of Heaven. A vast array of bright white stars, all too rare to us city folk, complementing the moon that danced in and out of the clouds. I pulled the car over to the side of the road, mystified; I stood there against the door for 45 minutes and took in the sky while the Improverbs worship record played out the open windows and reminded my ears of some of the goodness in the world.
It was all breath taking and felt significant for reasons I didn't understand. I thanked God and I drove home. Wrote a blog entry about being at "Ground Zero", moving on from my relationship with Chelsea (which that night I had accepted to be over forever) and into a new chapter in my life. I could never have known how long and how desolate that chapter was going to be. I went to sleep and woke up the next day to meet up with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in many years. Her name was Kristen.
If a man lets bitterness harden him toward his wife, desires the bodies of other women, or despises his wife's efforts to be his lover, he will destroy his marriage, his sexuality, and his soul. Discontentment, especially in marriage, has terrible consequences! Beware! The blessed God, who knows more about marital love and pleasure than all men combined, is giving invaluable instruction to those who will humble themselves, hear it, and apply it. A bitter man is horribly unhappy, constantly frustrated, and sexually impaired. He will hurt and neglect his wife, until she cannot love him, and the marriage becomes a sham. He will be vulnerable to strange women, whose breasts cannot satisfy, no matter how beautiful, for they belong to cruel women God has condemned.
Advice from Proverbs, my friend.
Contentment in marriage is a learned choice, as it is in other things (Phil 4:11). It is an attitude, not better circumstances (Phil 4:12). There is no perfect spouse, and there never will be. Neither is there a perfect job, business, house, car, or vacation. So the key to success in marriage is to be content - totally satisfied, even ravished - by the one you have married. Don't wait for the one you have to change, or wish you were with another. Great gain is godliness with contentment (I Tim 6:6), and it certainly applies to marriage.
I feel sad for you, brother.
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