myself

She asked how I was, and I started talking. Fairly fearlessly, as I usually do; I've got standby material, an armor suit of carefully-considered answers, an outer plating hardened by sparks from years of Black-smithing situations when the shape didn't suit me well enough. It's always fine.

None of that helped in this moment. Her eyes came to me, and then pierced, effortlessly.

I started feeling this very reminiscent sting. It was a yellow warning sign, a red flag half-hidden in the brush, a kind but concerned whisper from the heart of a best friend... a dead body in the closet. But I ignored it and I kept babbling; I guess I subconsciously figured that if I kept on with my normal routine, I would suddenly somehow have come full circle to have explained myself completely, and then she would be satisfied.

Upon looking down I noticed blood. She, too, probably noticed, but didn't say much.

If she was disappointed, I couldn't have blamed her. After all, I'd blown out my subtext marketing budget hanging posters of my face photoshopped on a 2010 model of the Titanic.

There is still time for both of us in our own rights, but if I want to be of some actual use, if I want to be actually unique, I first have to endure a blunt re-introduction to the enemy I hate the most: myself.

"I am such bullshit."

Ahhhhh, there we go. Reconciliation. Zero-deficit.

Are these the newest, hippest trends, or the oldest and most forgotten keys to breathing freely?

go find your Creator

I've been stuck on this kick in my head about how if you're "following the will of the Lord", then every other consideration is auxiliary or irrelevant. I feel like people—myself included—often get hung up on details when that isn't necessary. We won't always understand everything about our direction but we can move with confidence once we've been given the green light... only if we have the deeply-rooted confidence that comes from enough prayer and careful consideration. To me it is pretty clear: if you're not getting the answer, pray more. Seek God until He opens the door, and don't move until then.

What a difference following that simple rule has made in my life over the last 18 months. And what a disaster it was when I didn't know these things.

Another way to think about this concept is that in any given situation you're always following something, and that something always falls into one of two categories: God or not-God.

The one not being with Me is against Me, and the one not gathering with Me is scattering!

--Matthew 13:30

If you need something even less abstract, take a look at the people around you, and consider your own future, then look at your direction in all aspects of life and the decisions you make. Are they benefiting you in the here-and-now, or are they changing the future of you and your fellow human beings for the better? That is at least a step towards a better life.

But in the end, there is still this problem, that we can't understand everything that happens in the mind of man or on this Earth; we are left with either best-guessing or God-truth to rely upon. Guessing (and its frequent failure) does not appeal to me.

Is life really that black-and-white? Take it from someone who blindly stumbled around in the grey of uncertainty for some 24 years: When you want to see the difference in the colors, when you want to be able to sort truth from lies and reality from fiction, throw away your religion, your attempts to explain how we got here and why, in all of its Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, atheistic and other forms, and go find your Creator.

unresolved deficits

Outside of the here-and-now, day-to-day, there are two types of activities I waste my time on. There is the resolution of deficits, which for me means paying back loans, cleaning my house, fixing all of my broken things, finishing paperwork, taking proper care of health issues, etc. And then there are the extra-curricular activities... those activities that make me "better", but that I don't need to be doing, or getting any better at, for my livelihood.

While extra-curricular is great—essential even—I'm finding that such activities are best left for a time when I am at the liberty of being truly debt-free: a zero-item to-do list.

I'm continually amazed at how much planning and analysis makes a difference in everything! If I sit down and update my list of what needs to be resolved, I will know how much I have to do and how to get there, yet again.

I might not be able to have it right now, but if I get this fixed now, when I do have it, it will be so much better.

Side-note: Any given person, thing, or environment has its limitations. However, the recognition of a limitation is also the recognition of an opportunity for improvement, if you allow yourself to see it that way.

making progress

It's quite simple, really—

1. Stop the excuses
2. Find a way to make it happen

I don't get why so many people do not understand this.

do your job

Love was too much for me, and then I began to cave.

I laid face down on my bed, then I sat on the bed, then down on the hard floor. Crossed legs on the floor in the dark of a high-rise room with no lights and the curtains drawn. I sat in front of the tea I made from stale bags I've had for years, and I sobbed off and on, face down in my hands for about half an hour, "What am I supposed to do
what am I supposed to do
what the fuck is wrong with me
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!??????"

All these spirits, the room was thick with them and they were all having their own say with me in their raised voices, I paced in small circles and came right back around exactly where I had started. I reached down to put my face back in the tea, and I drank.

Things got quiet. I took another drink.

I was shown my chair, and so I sat down.

I then reached down and pulled my belongings up off the floor and put them on my desk, and then I sat there.

And then A Voice in my head spoke— "Do your job."

let's

Let's all go, let's all throw away more of our lives.

Let's be reckless. Let's lob these things into the abyss so that they will never show themselves again, so that we never have to face them.

Let's set fire to the ship because we can't figure out how to make it go. And then let's huddle on the beach together and laugh nervously and forget that we burned our way out of here.

Let's discover a wound and accidentally scream out "Me, me!", but if someone rushes to our aid, let's pretend it never existed, so that they don't see us at the mercy of anything.

Let's push these boxes around into different places; let's rearrange the maze because we still find ourselves lost in it.

Let's lower our own price so that we can sell more of ourselves, and then let's be crushed when the buyer throws it away like the disposable that it has become. Let's give it away for free when all else fails.

Let's witness a miracle, and then stab it in the heart, because sometimes it hurts less to kill than to be humbled.

Let's grow tired of it all, take our torches and burn it all down, walk in a circle to feel like we're in a new place, and then build something else expecting it to be better somehow this next time.

Let's hastily bury our past alive because we can't kill it, and let's expect it never to rise from its makeshift grave.

Let's ridicule the innocent, let's attack the weak. Let's use the fire of our tongues to mask the fact that we aren't actually weaker than all of these.

Let's massacre love. Let's tie the noose around its neck as hard as we can muster the strength, let's pull so hard our muscles strain, our teeth grind, our eyes pop. Let's hang it up in the public square, scream and yell, pull the door, and watch its arms open wide to us as it gasps for a last breath and falls. And then let's walk away, heads down in disgust; it eluded us but now it will elude us no longer.

What if? God is trying to get you to ditch yourself so you can get something much better?

What are you holding on to?

abstract vs. concrete, part 1

At some point in life I would endeavor to have two different rooms, a "clean room" and a "dirty room".

The clean room would have blank walls, no furniture, and a hardwood floor on which to sit and read, ponder, or pray. It would serve as a "sterile" environment, of sorts, with no distractions.

Progress would be made in such a room, but only in intangible ways. That's why the dirty room is a necessity; it is the opposite of the clean room, generally speaking, where tangible progress is made. It contains tools to help execute on the ideas that come from the clean room, where ideas are born with more clarity.

Since I realized this desire last month, it's been very striking to me how much this notion of recognizing and balancing both the abstract and the concrete needs to occur for healthy living. In the past I've fallen heavy onto one side or the other. Many times I've attempted to do way too many things at one time without appropriately planning or considering what to do. I've also spent too much time considering situations at times when I should have been out executing (generally, helping or attending to people) and opportunities have been missed.

some lessons

Some lessons I have learned in the last 10 years, all of which I have really learned in the last 3.

• Having the "best intentions" is not enough.
• There is a difference between 99% honest and 100% honest; honesty is black and white.
• When you are in debt, you are in debt not only the face value of the loan but also the face value of your life.
• Prayer isn't for God, it is for man. The prayerful man weathers the storm far better; the prayerful man has a better idea of what to do.
• Fully knowing or understanding is out of reach.
• Following blindly is far worse than standing still.
• Growth is found most in the things that hurt us the most.
• I fail because I was designed to fail. Yah'shua, His very name, translates to "God saves". He designed a system in which He is the always necessary savior. I suppose being God and all, He has this right, and it seems like a bad idea for me to try and operate against that.

I wrote less in 2009 because my head was down in the books. I wonder how 2010 will be different.

I become obsessed with measuring my success by concrete accomplishment, failing to remember that these things were designed to take time.