making progress

It's quite simple, really—

1. Stop the excuses
2. Find a way to make it happen

I don't get why so many people do not understand this.

do your job

Love was too much for me, and then I began to cave.

I laid face down on my bed, then I sat on the bed, then down on the hard floor. Crossed legs on the floor in the dark of a high-rise room with no lights and the curtains drawn. I sat in front of the tea I made from stale bags I've had for years, and I sobbed off and on, face down in my hands for about half an hour, "What am I supposed to do
what am I supposed to do
what the fuck is wrong with me
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!??????"

All these spirits, the room was thick with them and they were all having their own say with me in their raised voices, I paced in small circles and came right back around exactly where I had started. I reached down to put my face back in the tea, and I drank.

Things got quiet. I took another drink.

I was shown my chair, and so I sat down.

I then reached down and pulled my belongings up off the floor and put them on my desk, and then I sat there.

And then A Voice in my head spoke— "Do your job."

let's

Let's all go, let's all throw away more of our lives.

Let's be reckless. Let's lob these things into the abyss so that they will never show themselves again, so that we never have to face them.

Let's set fire to the ship because we can't figure out how to make it go. And then let's huddle on the beach together and laugh nervously and forget that we burned our way out of here.

Let's discover a wound and accidentally scream out "Me, me!", but if someone rushes to our aid, let's pretend it never existed, so that they don't see us at the mercy of anything.

Let's push these boxes around into different places; let's rearrange the maze because we still find ourselves lost in it.

Let's lower our own price so that we can sell more of ourselves, and then let's be crushed when the buyer throws it away like the disposable that it has become. Let's give it away for free when all else fails.

Let's witness a miracle, and then stab it in the heart, because sometimes it hurts less to kill than to be humbled.

Let's grow tired of it all, take our torches and burn it all down, walk in a circle to feel like we're in a new place, and then build something else expecting it to be better somehow this next time.

Let's hastily bury our past alive because we can't kill it, and let's expect it never to rise from its makeshift grave.

Let's ridicule the innocent, let's attack the weak. Let's use the fire of our tongues to mask the fact that we aren't actually weaker than all of these.

Let's massacre love. Let's tie the noose around its neck as hard as we can muster the strength, let's pull so hard our muscles strain, our teeth grind, our eyes pop. Let's hang it up in the public square, scream and yell, pull the door, and watch its arms open wide to us as it gasps for a last breath and falls. And then let's walk away, heads down in disgust; it eluded us but now it will elude us no longer.

What if? God is trying to get you to ditch yourself so you can get something much better?

What are you holding on to?

abstract vs. concrete, part 1

At some point in life I would endeavor to have two different rooms, a "clean room" and a "dirty room".

The clean room would have blank walls, no furniture, and a hardwood floor on which to sit and read, ponder, or pray. It would serve as a "sterile" environment, of sorts, with no distractions.

Progress would be made in such a room, but only in intangible ways. That's why the dirty room is a necessity; it is the opposite of the clean room, generally speaking, where tangible progress is made. It contains tools to help execute on the ideas that come from the clean room, where ideas are born with more clarity.

Since I realized this desire last month, it's been very striking to me how much this notion of recognizing and balancing both the abstract and the concrete needs to occur for healthy living. In the past I've fallen heavy onto one side or the other. Many times I've attempted to do way too many things at one time without appropriately planning or considering what to do. I've also spent too much time considering situations at times when I should have been out executing (generally, helping or attending to people) and opportunities have been missed.

some lessons

Some lessons I have learned in the last 10 years, all of which I have really learned in the last 3.

• Having the "best intentions" is not enough.
• There is a difference between 99% honest and 100% honest; honesty is black and white.
• When you are in debt, you are in debt not only the face value of the loan but also the face value of your life.
• Prayer isn't for God, it is for man. The prayerful man weathers the storm far better; the prayerful man has a better idea of what to do.
• Fully knowing or understanding is out of reach.
• Following blindly is far worse than standing still.
• Growth is found most in the things that hurt us the most.
• I fail because I was designed to fail. Yah'shua, His very name, translates to "God saves". He designed a system in which He is the always necessary savior. I suppose being God and all, He has this right, and it seems like a bad idea for me to try and operate against that.

I wrote less in 2009 because my head was down in the books. I wonder how 2010 will be different.

I become obsessed with measuring my success by concrete accomplishment, failing to remember that these things were designed to take time.