Wednesday, May 7, 2008

useless update, but by request

I am the freaking Mahjongg master. I developed a strategy and now I never lose. Well I almost never lose. It doesn't even matter. The point is, if you see me in the street you'd best step aside or I might break your tiles or something. I just thought I'd warn you.

Sometimes really, ridiculously attractive girls will see me playing Mahjongg out on the streets in downtown Portland, and they all kinda get scared because I'm so fast and stuff. But then they get super intrigued and they start watching closer. I let them watch because I'm a nice guy. But also because their boyfriends are all like, really scared. Like with one more flick of a tile, a magical white horse is going to appear and I'm going to take their girlfriend and get on it and ride into the sunset. It's probably a valid fear so I don't mess with them too much more than that.

Sometimes I play against the bums. The bums are pretty good but they have dirty tricks. Sometimes they'll put a booger on one of the tiles and that totally messes everything up because then there's this tile sitting on the deck that you can't match to anything. It's super frustrating. Probably the worst thing about it is that whether or not they lose, they still expect a dollar or they threaten to pee on my tires. I don't know about you but I definitely don't have enough money to keep buying urine-free tires so I just pay them off. It sucks so bad!

Then there was that one time I played against the guy with the self-amplifying guitar? Mind bogglingly good. The man couldn't play a real chord to save his life but he certainly wiped the floor... I mean, sidewalk, with me. But I think he's got some help from high places. I'm pretty sure he's been trained by real Asians. I think he's learned some of the secrets to the universe. I think he rides a unicorn home from his post on Broadway in front of Nordstrom's. I think he knows Michael Bolton.

1 comment:

Kendall said...

i love you

thats all